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Dad, Presbyterian minister, and President of Sunday Software Inc.
One night I was busy online myself (business of course) and up popped an 'instant message' screen with one of my daughter's girlfriends imploring her via text to respond back. Internet Chat programs can be set to detect when any of your 'buddies' are online. Up it popped again and again saying, "Are you ignoring me?" "Robin why don't you respond?" "Are you mad?" The fact that her friends assumed it was my daughter and not me (or someone else) is another issue. But this article is not about online safety, it is about the communication phenomenon sweeping the youth culture --email, Internet Chat, and personal webpage construction. What is it all about? And what should we as parents and church leaders do about it? First...there's nothing intrinsically wrong with what's happening. It is quite natural for kids at this age to want to communicate with each other. It is as natural as passing notes in study hall. It is the same impulse that has driven teens in years gone by to monopolize the family phone. It surprised me at first to see my daughter typing as she talked over the phone to the same person she was online with. And have your kids figured out that conference phone calls are only 75 cents? Mine have. Teen logic dictates that three way calls are better than two. 'Dad logic' put the kabosh on it. The anonymity of certain forms of communication between teens is both a blessing and a curse. In school, we all knew someone who was shy but wrote great poems and stories. Part of being an adolescent is having things to say and practicing all the words and ways to say them. Internet Chat among friends, especially with members of the opposite sex, is a new testing ground for what to say and how to say it without feeling like a dork. The shy or self-image conscious youth can hide behind the screen --and try out their feelings. It's tough to get tongue-tied with a keyboard. You have time to think without having to worry as much about how they're looking at you. The conversation is the thing. Online, you can be a swan. << Please note that I'm not suggesting getting rid of all sorts of other great ways of communicating...I'm talking here about exploring and utlizing additional ways of communicating.>> Like churches when the first printing presses came out, most churches are slow to trust this new fangled technology. Why email a youth when you can send them a postcard? Here's why: because they like getting email, they can respond to your email, and it's a comfortable way to talk to adults and other kids. It's certainly cheaper and can be quicker. It's less time consuming to produce, and you don't have to run out for stamps or wrestle with a copier. In the near future, many in youth ministry will be increasingly communicating, sharing, praying, and listening to their kids via email and Internet Chat. The amazing truth is that we don't have to set it up or wait in most cases. The kids are ALREADY doing it. We only have catch up and explore its potential.
Ok...in fact, I'm still IN youth ministry, only with my very OWN young person now. I've noticed that as a parent, I feel better about my daughter's new lines of communication when the other lines of communication between us are open. But as an honest parent, I must admit that I'm a little jealous. But I also know that what I have to say is not always enough for this growing young lady. She needs to talk with girlfriends about boys. She needs to practice talking to boys. And she has to talk about homework and what are you doing, where are you going, what happened at school, and did you see what he was wearing? Dad is pretty good at talking with daughter, but the truth is that our friends help us grow up too --and that's something that hasn't changed in a million years. Like most parents of a teenager I long for simpler years. My daughter on the other hand, longs for her own phone line. If I was a youth pastor today I would seek to connect my kids with one another through email, chat, webpages, and email list discussions. I would build community through every form of communication THEY were interested in. In most communities, churches and schools, Internet access is almost as common as the phone. Even those still without computers (and their numbers are fewer every day) could have free email accessible from any computer. And I would seek my church's help in providing second-hand for families in need that have teens in need of staying in touch with us. When the politicians talk about the 'digital divide' I hear similar words of another call to break down the walls that separate us, ...words that call us to broadcast it from the mountain tops, ...words that describe new languages as gifts from the Holy Spirit (Acts 2). Email, chat and the Internet are not about replacing what we do, they're about adding what the kids like and using these avenues, in addition to traditional ones, to reach out in the name of Christ. This past year I collected the AOL Instant Messenger "names" of the kids in our 6th and 7th Grade Fellowship. I'm one of the leaders. They're on my buddy list so I can instant message them when I see that they're online. Great tool for staying in touch. If you can't beat'em, join 'em... I've started to send my daughter email --and she loves it, ---funny pictures, don't forgets, how are ya kid, and I love you's. I have to admit it seems strange to be sending email to her on the same computer as she will read it. But hey, it works. And we've also been discussing the pros and cons of communicating with just words, and the bad stuff on the Internet, as well as the good. We talk about how easy it is for some kids to use profanity when nobody can see them. We've talked about what people are like without judging them first by their looks. And she's learning how wonderful it is to stay in touch with church camp friends and kids who have moved away. I also call her on the phone to chat. Sometimes from my office right down the hall! ...or from the car. She likes that, and that means so do I. I also now regularly email photos to my kids from our digital camera. I know, it's all kind of strange, and I could just say "come here and look." But they like the way I find new ways to connect with them. They are like love notes taped to the bathroom mirror (or "pick up your room" notes, as is often the case).
On the day of Pentecost the Holy Spirit gave the disciples the gift of speaking Parthian to the Parthians, Median to the Medians and so on. In our day, the need to speak in the language of the foreigners in our midst (our kids) is no less important. Some might say we're drunk for doing it (Acts 2). To them I say, "email your response to me at sundaysoft@ee.net and I'll get back to you if my daughter will get off the computer and the phone line with her friends." <>< Neil MacQueen Updated April 2005 Safeguarding your children's online activity Much has been written about the lewd nature of some Chat rooms on the Internet. If you aren't talking about and supervising your child's interaction on the Net, you are missing a huge opportunity and risk exposing your child to unsavory elements. Here are a few safe practices you should follow:
Youth and Children's Leaders: A growing number of your kids are already on the Internet. How to act when you can act semi-anonymously is a wonderful discussion topic for young Christians. |
It's just after school and my (then) thirteen year old
daughter Robin is bugging me to go online. She and her friends
have rushed home to check their email (from each other), call
each other up on the phone, and 'chat' with each other by typing
messages on the keyboard back and forth -all at the same time!
They've also invited various boys from school to email them.
Later that evening there is the obligatory and anxious re-check
of email.
Email offers the opportunity to ask the "how are yous"
and "how are you feeling about...." and get personal
heart-felt replies. Years ago I had a teen in my youth group
who was suffering silently with depression. Around his peers
in class and on Sunday night he clammed up. Through email he
unburdened his heart. His email also allowed me to listen to
him. The time delay of email also gave me the rare opportunity
of contemplating and crafting my response to be what he needed.
His mother later told me that he had saved all my emails and
read them over and over. If I were involved in youth ministry
today, I would be searching out every avenue of communication
this new technology afforded me. I'd have my Internet Chat 'buddy
list' loaded with all my youth group kids' names. My email address
would be as well known to my kids as my tastes in pizza joints.