Dear Fellow Scoffer,

I completely agree. Kids do NOT need computers in their Sunday School or Fellowship.
That's not a typo. They don't. Afterall, generations of people in our congregation didn't need computers to help them learn the Bible.

Furthermore, I'd like to thank you for bringing to my attention the idea of "things we don't need". Your commitment to this issue got me thinking. I believe the following list of items are further instances of things we don't need, and with your blessing, I will be submitting this list to our church leaders at their next board meeting. Please take a moment to read this list and make additional suggestions.

• Air Conditioning --just tell people to dress for warm weather. We could save hundreds of dollars a month.
• Sound System --if you can't hear the sermon get a hearing aid, or sit up front (or wake up).
• The church copier -too expensive to maintain and environmentally unfriendly too. Use an overhead projector on Sunday, or a chalkboard.
• The sanctuary carpet --walk quietly from now on.
• Cushions for the pews --what's so cushy about worship anyway, huh? I say, if you need pillow, bring one yourself.
• Bibles -- Jesus and his Disciples didn't carry them around, so why should we? And we get read to by the pastor every Sunday anyway.
• The church organ -- why didn't I think of this earlier! I love singing a capella, and we can sell the pipes for scrap.
• The choir robe fund --please eliminate it. They look fine in their own clothes (most of them, anyway).
• The pastor -- nobody knows what he does during the week anyway.
• Committees --they are the single largest expenditure we have. Get rid of committees and your budget will drop.
• The Sanctuary --we only use it once a week anyway. Couldn't we just consolidate in Fellowship Hall?
• The secondary bathroom --remind people to "go before they come" -and I've just solved the church's extra storage problem.

I am also in complete agreement that anything that only gets used for two hours a week is poor stewardship. To this end I am also recommending that we sell the church lawnmower, open up a daycare in the Sanctuary during the week since it's only used for 2 hours on Sunday, and sell off that expensive kitchen equipment.

In fact, I am thinking of recommending that we do away with Sunday School entirely. It only costs money, and shouldn't the parents be doing this stuff at home? Yes they should, and it would save us a lot.

By the way, I want you to know how thrilled I am that you are chairing the Asphalt Task Force. After we make my recommended cuts, you should be able to fully fund your project. Everybody knows that we need a good looking parking lot in order for our church to grow. (Then again, my grandpappy didn't go to church in a car, he rode a horse. So how about some stables.... we can sell the manure to raise money for the stained glass windows we need.

Sincerely,

Neil MacQueen